Dissasociated

I feel like someone else

I don’t like it

It doesn’t feel good

Inside me there are voices fighting

Arguing about who will get to drive

And it doesn’t look like anything from the outside

Literally nothing

At all

Perhaps nothing but a flash of pain in the eyes of my body

Eyes that change as the personalities in me filter through and take their turns

okay

here I am!
when did i lose me?

my mind is clear now!
when did it cloud?

i feel good again!
what had happened?

it’s okay now.
it’s okay.

and when its not okay,
it will be okay again.

Stupid

I used to have a habit of saying, “I’m stupid.”

I didn’t always mean it. I usually said it just after figuring out the right answer and recognizing my mistake. “Shoot, I should have known,” is a common expression.

But why? Why should I have known? And even if I did know better…

Big deal.

It’s too late now. I can only just handle my reaction to the mistake and how I will deal with it in the future.

It can sting a little to be forced to fix something you are responsible for messing up; something you feel like you could have dealt with better in the first place.

But here’s a thought: if it isn’t uncomfortable in some way, there is no growth. If there is no growth, there is no presence of learning.

My old boss used to say, “You’re not stupid.”

He would make a point to disagree with me every time I got down on myself, and though it didn’t seem like it meant much at the time, I came away profoundly affected by this attitude. Years later I can still hear him, “You’re not stupid. You’re learning.”

If you don’t make it a point to be open-minded, you will not learn. You will only allow the information that lines up with your existing biases to reinforce your ideas. This applies to any material.

Learning is discipline. Learning is humbling. Learning is losing a little bit of the control that you perceived you had when you thought you knew something. Most of all, learning is necessary for adaptation and progression but since it is uncomfortable it is often undervalued and unsought.

If you let it, life will keep teaching you until the day you die.

It doesn’t mean you’re stupid if you don’t already know what you will be taught. That’s unreasonable.

Don’t be afraid to not know.

Don’t be afraid to learn.

Proverbs 1:5

Proverbs 18:15

Label

For a while I thought
That having a label would make me happier
–would help me figure out the problems that I found within myself.
But actually,
I am happier just being me;
I need no label
To live how I am supposed to live–
To pursue Christ.
There is no label that would make me better,
Or happier,
Or more myself.
It is the living that makes me, me.
And the moment I stop living,
I stop being me.
There is nothing else I need force myself to do.
Really.
So,
I will do my very best
To just be me,
For that is what I was made to do.

Dungeon

I feel it when it is coming.

I descend into darkness;

My feet take me down a flight of stairs.

I find myself traveling in a dungeon,

Where there are fettered creatures from my past and my weaknesses, who torment me.

They call out to me, insulting me, frightening me.

They reach for my heart, to crush it.

Like a fragile egg, it crushes easily and the bright nectar of life drains from the cracks–

It gives and crumbles hollowly, stickily, as my vigor spatters on the floor, and the glow in my cheeks dims to a pale shadow.

My steps are heavy and hesitant, yet deliberate.

The despondency I feel does not reflect my true status,

For these dragons and monsters are of nightmares and not of real life.

They not are not permanent but somehow they do not seem to leave either.

Yet.

Even when my eyes are closed, Jesus walks beside me with his sword, fending off the rats that would otherwise claw their way up my legs to devour my flesh in small pieces.

Jesus gives me a thick shield and tells me that He will give me the strength to hold it

I am not very skilled yet with a sword, and drop it often.

I am learning.

Jesus protects me as we go.

He repairs my broken heart and refills it with the sacrifice of his own blood.

Generously.

We walk through the dungeon without pausing,

For it is not safe to rest here.

When I fall he does not fail to lift me again and again.

As I sense the light ahead, I begin to move faster;

My eyes rejoice at the sight of the sun.

Like released birds, we fly up the steps from the dungeon.

He sheathes His sword and takes the heavy shield from me so that I may run freely–

Joyously.

And even as I walk through the brightness of the day, He is with me.