Media

When I became conscious that the media I expect myself to consume, so often consumes me instead,

It still was not enough to make me stop watching it.

I realized how many hours over the week I have lost to a scroll with glittering stories–the vast majority of them curated deceptively.

It never fails to cause me to be insecure when I compare the worst parts of my life to another’s best.

It is unfortunate that it is so easy to do this.

When I am not selective about what media I consume and I only swallow each and every glob of flashing entertainment that I come across…

Sometimes it makes me think:

“Have a little self-respect,

you whore.”

Esteem

You don’t need self esteem

You need Jesus esteem

He can treat you better than you can treat yourself

And if you really loved yourself

You would give yourself over to Him

Dungeon

I feel it when it is coming.

I descend into darkness;

My feet take me down a flight of stairs.

I find myself traveling in a dungeon,

Where there are fettered creatures from my past and my weaknesses, who torment me.

They call out to me, insulting me, frightening me.

They reach for my heart, to crush it.

Like a fragile egg, it crushes easily and the bright nectar of life drains from the cracks–

It gives and crumbles hollowly, stickily, as my vigor spatters on the floor, and the glow in my cheeks dims to a pale shadow.

My steps are heavy and hesitant, yet deliberate.

The despondency I feel does not reflect my true status,

For these dragons and monsters are of nightmares and not of real life.

They not are not permanent but somehow they do not seem to leave either.

Yet.

Even when my eyes are closed, Jesus walks beside me with his sword, fending off the rats that would otherwise claw their way up my legs to devour my flesh in small pieces.

Jesus gives me a thick shield and tells me that He will give me the strength to hold it

I am not very skilled yet with a sword, and drop it often.

I am learning.

Jesus protects me as we go.

He repairs my broken heart and refills it with the sacrifice of his own blood.

Generously.

We walk through the dungeon without pausing,

For it is not safe to rest here.

When I fall he does not fail to lift me again and again.

As I sense the light ahead, I begin to move faster;

My eyes rejoice at the sight of the sun.

Like released birds, we fly up the steps from the dungeon.

He sheathes His sword and takes the heavy shield from me so that I may run freely–

Joyously.

And even as I walk through the brightness of the day, He is with me.

Not Bound By Death

Please,

I want relief.

Let me die,

Or I will take my life.

I feel I have never known what it is like to not feel like death.

The feeling you feel before you cry.

Your body drowning without water.

Your limbs beginning to curl in a position of rigor mortis.

Why am I still here? Why have I not already passed?

I am wasting my life thinking like this.

God does not want me like this.

He is sad I am sad.

Give me relief.

Relief from what?

I cannot explain.

How this feeling drains me and pulls me apart on the inside.

My heart,

Rots inside my ribcage.

My eyes sink.

My skin is ghastly pale.

How glad I will be when I have died,

For I will no longer feel like death because I have already died.

I will go to heaven.

There is relief there.

Thank goodness.

Thank the Lord.

Please,

Lord, give me some relief here and now.

Help me cry.

Help me feel things again instead of being numb.

Because right now.

Life and everything in it is meaningless.

And I want it to be meaningful because God made so many meaningful things.

And sin and death came and that is why I feel like death.

Perhaps this is just the feeling of aging, which is the same thing as death.

Just slowly.

I am free from sin, says Christ Jesus.

In other words, I am not bound my death.

My soul is not bound by death.

I will live with Jesus someday forever.

And on that day,

I am so excited to be able to feel.