Dissasociated

I feel like someone else

I don’t like it

It doesn’t feel good

Inside me there are voices fighting

Arguing about who will get to drive

And it doesn’t look like anything from the outside

Literally nothing

At all

Perhaps nothing but a flash of pain in the eyes of my body

Eyes that change as the personalities in me filter through and take their turns

Help please

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

please help

my thoughts eat me alive

Remembered

The weird thing about grief,
Is that you feel like you ought to be able to do something with it.

You’re stuck in a place where time doesn’t matter.
Things still happen.
But it doesn’t really matter whether you participate.

It feels useless to just not to do anything, but it feels disrespectful to keep going on with your activities.Consciousness feels kind of unreal; perhaps
entitling
guilty.

At times your mind forgets, but your heart does not.

And you remember suddenly.

All you can do is remember.

And remember.

Dear Moriah

Dear Moriah,

If you could have waited one day

One day

Perhaps you’d still be here
Perhaps we could have grown together
Faced things together
Been afraid together
And been brave together

I don’t mean to assume responsibility

Or to take undue blame

Or believe in the possibility
that I could have saved you
Like a hero

Because in the end

The very end

It seemed like your decision
To do what you did

But maybe it wasn’t

Maybe it was just the last act of a very desperate person

Or

Maybe it was
The decision of the desperation
Not of the desperate person

I was coming

Coming

I was coming to see you
And if you could have waited one day

It might not have been like this

If you could have waited

But you couldn’t

And I understand

Love, Sarah

Label

For a while I thought
That having a label would make me happier
–would help me figure out the problems that I found within myself.
But actually,
I am happier just being me;
I need no label
To live how I am supposed to live–
To pursue Christ.
There is no label that would make me better,
Or happier,
Or more myself.
It is the living that makes me, me.
And the moment I stop living,
I stop being me.
There is nothing else I need force myself to do.
Really.
So,
I will do my very best
To just be me,
For that is what I was made to do.

The important lessons

My best friend taught me all the important lessons:

Care for and about yourself.
Care for and about other people.
Grow your body, brain, and heart.
Don’t ignore a negative mental mindset.
Don’t wait too long to get help.
Keep yourself accountable.
Express yourself in a way that you need to.
Take it slow but never stop moving forward.

My best friend taught me all of these because she didn’t do them herself. She taught me this because she died of suicide.

People Just Leave

That’s the problem with it:

People just leave.

People just leave.

People just leave and never come back.

Sometimes people die.

Sometimes people change their minds and move on with their lives and there’s absolutely nothing one can do about it.

We don’t want the to be the way that it is. We want life to be like stories where family and friends live happily together until death.

Simply:

Unshakable bonds,

People who are unquestionably worth defending,

Hugs that are freely given,

Trust,

Mutual respect,

Support,

That is not constantly present–not a fairytale-like in its beauty–but visibly underlying in the big picture.

One wants people who miss them when they are gone,

And the freedom to be able to miss someone else and be kindly acknowledged instead of being ignored because of the awkwarditity.

(Awkwarditity isn’t a word in the dictionary,

But it does good to tell about how–)

People just leave.

One wonders why (?)

One blocks it out to not remember the relationship or the parting.

One stays busy.

One convinces themself there was nothing there in the first place…

–Nothing worth grieving for.

But there was.

And although there is–

These situations exist as proof (not that we need any more) that the world is broken and people are broken and no matter how much comfort one seeks and how hedonistic one becomes,

One will never be able to stop a person from just leaving,

Whether it is their choice to leave or not.

And while this seems so terrifying a thought,

It reveals the nature of humans and the unloyalty of morals.

It is not unusual;

It happens every day.

Because–

If we all will die someday there is simply nothing to live for anyway;

Nothing worth staying loyal to.

At some point, I am certain that everyone who is tethered to another,

Will break that bond

And leave.

So

We just survive.

We survive long enough by clinging to those around us; to those who we think are part of our lives– to those whom we think care for our hearts.

But too often it happens (and I am just as guilty of giving up on people, myself),

That

People

Just

Leave.

Dungeon

I feel it when it is coming.

I descend into darkness;

My feet take me down a flight of stairs.

I find myself traveling in a dungeon,

Where there are fettered creatures from my past and my weaknesses, who torment me.

They call out to me, insulting me, frightening me.

They reach for my heart, to crush it.

Like a fragile egg, it crushes easily and the bright nectar of life drains from the cracks–

It gives and crumbles hollowly, stickily, as my vigor spatters on the floor, and the glow in my cheeks dims to a pale shadow.

My steps are heavy and hesitant, yet deliberate.

The despondency I feel does not reflect my true status,

For these dragons and monsters are of nightmares and not of real life.

They not are not permanent but somehow they do not seem to leave either.

Yet.

Even when my eyes are closed, Jesus walks beside me with his sword, fending off the rats that would otherwise claw their way up my legs to devour my flesh in small pieces.

Jesus gives me a thick shield and tells me that He will give me the strength to hold it

I am not very skilled yet with a sword, and drop it often.

I am learning.

Jesus protects me as we go.

He repairs my broken heart and refills it with the sacrifice of his own blood.

Generously.

We walk through the dungeon without pausing,

For it is not safe to rest here.

When I fall he does not fail to lift me again and again.

As I sense the light ahead, I begin to move faster;

My eyes rejoice at the sight of the sun.

Like released birds, we fly up the steps from the dungeon.

He sheathes His sword and takes the heavy shield from me so that I may run freely–

Joyously.

And even as I walk through the brightness of the day, He is with me.

Inner Child

Go away, inner child, go away.
You’re young and immature, go away.
I’m not scared of the dark, but you are.
Your ways are just so bizarre.
Why do you say things that make no sense?
Why are you always on the fence?
It really isn’t very kind
That you are lurking in my mind
Looking for someone to blame
You and I are not the same.
Where did you come from, inner child?
Why won’t you leave, or grow up?
You were there all the time.
It wasn’t such an awful crime,
Until you began to act.
As if you and I made a pact
That I would let you control me
And then somehow gradually
I got lost and it was just you
You took over my brain and heart too
You made me do some selfish things
Stupid mistakes that being a child brings
But the consequences were worse and more
Than I had ever seen before
How dare you interfere, inner child
What makes you act so brash and wild
Do not haunt me, inner child
Things will soon be reconciled
Do not rear your ugly head
Do not make me cry in bed
Do not make me fuss and fret
I don’t owe you any debt.
Do not use my feet to go
Places where I should not go
Do not use my hands to do
Things that only benefit you
Do not use my heart to love
Things things that I should dispose of.
Do not use my eyes to look
On things that I should not look
Do not use my lips to speak
Oh my gosh, you’re such a freak.
Get out of my way, inner child,
You’re inhibiting my growth.
Take your things and go, inner child
I am not big enough for you and me both
Don’t talk to me any more, inner child,
Your voice is so persuasive
You pretend to be so gentle
But in fact, you’re quite abrasive.
I don’t want to see you again, inner child
I’ve had enough of your conniving schemes
Shut your mouth, inner child
You will not sway with me with your tantrums.
You have stolen from me, inner child
You are nothing but a thief
You try your best to help me
But you only cause me grief
Never return, inner child
You have fooled me long enough
You barely even exist at all
And you think that you’ve got it rough.
I am grown up now, inner child
There is no place for you to stay
I am finished with you, inner child
And that is the last thing I will say.

Please See Me But Don’t Look At Me

Please don’t look at me

Do not meet my eye

Do pay no attention

Do not even try.

Yet saying all this

Makes me give a sigh.

I want to be honest,

I don’t want to lie;

I want you to see me,

But can’t explain why.

And if you speak to me,

I’m bound to reply.

I want to be noticed

And want to say hi.

For I like interaction

More than just passing by.